The thought of being placed into a nursing home (or even just visiting one) tends to fill people with dread. The loss of independence. The decor. The smell? I think some people fear the full circle finality of starting off in diapers and potentially ending in them, too. But here are the top 5 reasons why I’m personally looking forward to living in a nursing home.

1. The Hospitality

I’ll be waited on hand and foot. Literally. If my feet are dry, it’s my understanding that I can tell someone and they will apply lotion for me. Suddenly I’m getting a foot massage. I ask Justin to put lotion on my back (because I’m slowly turning into a lizard person) and he grimaces like I’m asking him to empty my hypothetical bed pan. Well joke’s on you, Justin. One day someone will be lotioning me and emptying my non-hypothetical bed pan. Jealous? 😏

In the nursing home, people are cleaning for you. People are cooking for you. People are sponge bathing you. In some instances, people are actually spoon feeding you. Does it get any more glamorous??? This is not a sign that your life is ending, but rather an indication that you have made it. This is nirvana.

2. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots- everybody!

Jesus I should’ve just looked up the lyrics, copied, and pasted. That was not easy.

Anyway, I’m basically viewing the nursing home as a second chance at college. It’s college round two. I will be the one wheeling around the home asking where the party’s at.

I’m talking about jello shots here, people! (I’m pretty sure most nursing home cafeterias serve jello, so the jello shots could be a regular occurrence, or maybe like a treat on Fridays or something? I’ll speak with the activities director.) I’m talking dancing on communal tables. I’m talking late night flirtation, which leads me to…

3. The Bachelors

So many eligible bachelors confined to one space. Who will be my boy toy this week? The man who does magic tricks down the hall? The one with the model airplane collection? Or maybe the most recent bingo winner (I’m not in it for the money, I swear). Your goal might be having kids who come to visit you, but my goal is landing in bed with Earl, okay?

Side note- I’m aware that there will probably be no Earls by the time I get there. The place will most likely be teeming with Tylers and Brandons. Or maybe I’ll snag a slightly younger man. Perhaps a Noah or a Jayden. We’ll see.

4. Reading All Day, Every Day

I won’t have to worry about doing things I don’t want to do, like going to work or grocery shopping. Barring any unforeseen issues (I’m thinking of a situation similar to that Burgess Meredith episode of The Twilight Zone here) I can spend all my days doing puzzles and reading. Or is my generation just going to spend all their time in bed listening to Doja Cat and playing Call of Duty: Black Ops III? I don’t know. Maybe we’ll all just be robots living in pods at that point.

5. The Salon

Some homes have specific rooms where residents can get a haircut or their nails done. I don’t like getting a haircut or my nails done because I have to find the time/motivation and leave my house. But in the nursing home, I will have nothing but time and I won’t even have to leave the building. God I will be looking so flawless. Watch out, Earl.

I know what you’re thinking. “Sarah, nursing homes are expensive, especially if they have amenities. Not every nursing home has a salon, or even adequate staff so they can lotion you at all hours of the night.” Blah blah blah. Hear me out here. If I don’t have a child, I can put all the money I might’ve put into that child’s college fund (or spent on diapers, etc.) into my very own nursing home fund. I’m pretty sure that’s self-care. At the highest level.

To anyone reading this who may be tasked with putting me in a home in the future, please remind me how I was anticipating this day. Tell me how I looked forward to the possibility of daily apple sauce (I will be asking for cinnamon and if it is not permissible I will go full Karen and say my freedoms are being attacked). Remind me how excited I was for the middle school choir’s winter performances, during which the kids look seriously freaked out to be there. Mention how I loved the idea of hallway decorations for every holiday, not just the official bank observed stuff. I’m talking Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, maybe even Groundhog Day? I don’t know. My recommendation for the staff is to just go crazy with it.

Hand me a copy of this post as I’m being wheeled through the sliding doors of my new domain. I might need to be convinced I once found this idea joyful. Thank you. ❤️