Pee my pants


Watch people play chess


Call Amazon customer service


Stub my toe on a sharp object with enough force that I think it should be broken, or at the very least bleeding, but I look down to see there is no blood and now I just feel like a fool


Go to my high school reunion


Okay on second thought no, not the high school reunion


Eat Greek yogurt


Tweeze the hair off of my body… all of it


Eat baloney sandwiches every day for a month


Try out for the 7th grade basketball team again


Harry Potter-esque spider experience


Get cut during the first round of tryouts for the 7th grade basketball team (I am NOT speaking from experience here)


Parallel park in front of a panel of judges


Endure a thorough mansplaining


Accidental snot rocket mid conversation


Eat a Beggin’ Strip……. again


Listen to today’s country music hits all. night. long.


Spend more money than I need to at Walgreens for the third time this week


Any Man vs. Food challenge


Spill glitter in the house and continue to find it for the next 50 years


Faint during the middle school chorus concert as the choir teacher attempts to CONTINUE THE CONCERT while my motionless body lies strewn across two sets of risers (again, this is definitely not a personal experience)


Go without cheese for a week


Watch footage of the aforementioned middle school chorus concert in choir class (as the tension builds leading up to the moment I fall like a domino, a small group of allies chants “fast forward” in my defense… can’t tell if the chant is mortifying or empowering… somehow both?)


Attempt straight across bangs for the second time with the same horrifying end result as the first time


Interact with a child in front of their parent/guardian for an entire day


Drive 45 minutes to the nearest Burger King for a milkshake to be told the machine has been shut down for the night


Have (more) eczema/psoriasis… still can’t really tell the difference


Eat raw pasta


Have my 1950s poodle skirt costume fall off during a childhood dance recital as the (surprisingly) large audience laughs/gasps in horror (this did not happen to me)


Drink gin


Wash all of the bedding during the day to wake up the next morning and find my cat has vomited on the blanket during the night and the liquid has traveled all the way down to the fitted sheet, meaning every item needs to be washed again, the day after I just. freaking. did this.


Watch a beloved houseplant slowly die


Mop, a task we haven’t completed since we moved into this house


Accidentally pick someone else’s nose (probably didn’t need to specify it would be an accident… promise me it wouldn’t happen otherwise… I don’t go around doing shit like that to people)


Bikini wax


Replace my nightly glasses of wine with Pepto Bismol


Brazilian wax


Drop a recently purchased 6 pack of beer and watch it shatter all over the sidewalk


Hangnail


Attend a pool party with numerous Instagram models in attendance


Chip a tooth


Drive to Florida without stopping to sleep or pee


Frostbite