Have a UTI


Repeat grades 6 and 7, objectively my most awkward years


Grade 6 gym class specifically


Lick a toilet


Paper cuts all over


Watch The Lord of the Rings movies (all… 3 of them? 4? 9?)


Have a second UTI


Untangle holiday lights


Lasik eye surgery, feeling all the pain


Eat shit


Blisters on back of ankles (new shoes)


Have my period for an entire month


Quicksand experience (not resulting in death, but barely making it out alive)


Flat tire, sans roadside assistance


Go to the gynecologist (presumably for my two aforementioned UTIs and unusually long period)


Burn my tongue


Lick an ATM


Notice that there is no toilet paper in a public bathroom stall after I have defecated, meaning I have to quickly relocate to another stall, praying that no one else walks in and sees me pantsless and unwiped in the 3 second duration it takes to make it to the safety of the second stall


Slip on ice (hit head)


Social media doom scroll


Splinter under nail


Use the bathroom at a gas station (the outside kind where you have to procure a key)


Ask the cashier at a gas station for the bathroom key


Listen to people talk about football


Go to the dentist


Go to the dentist and eye doctor (same day)


Go to the dentist, eye doctor, and physician (also same day, the dreaded trifecta)


Fart audibly, publicly


Swim in a landfill


Get too shitfaced that I throw up an entire package of Ms. T’s Four Cheese Medley Pierogies (I am NOT speaking from experience on this one)


Kidney stones


Middle school picture day with large pimple


Smoke a cigarette backwards (again, this is not a personal experience)


Get a haircut that I thought would look cool but is actually too short and now I am crying in the parking lot of a Hair Cuttery (this definitely did not happen to me)


Gut and stuff a Thanksgiving turkey


Small talk with neighbor in produce section


Small talk with neighbor in line at cash register after we have already had a run-in at produce


Flossing (teeth, and viral dance craze)


Get caught masturbating


Catch someone masturbating


Read The Grapes of Wrath


Throw up in my mouth and then swallow it, or as I believe it is called in the medical field, acid reflux


Wear wet jeans and/or sneakers


Dance like no one is watching to then discover that someone is in fact watching


Bite the inside of my cheek while eating


Bite the same part of my cheek again while eating


Sleep in an underwire bra