We’ve been blessed/cursed with two feet of snow.

Pro: I didn’t have to go to work.

Con: Clearing snow straight up blows. Actually, it doesn’t blow. If we had a snowblower, then it would blow. But us peasants have a meager two shovels and it’s straight up tragic.

Pro: The majestic beauty of it all. You know. Winter wonderland and all that fun stuff.

Con: Someone once told me snow reminded them of dandruff, so sometimes I look at snow falling and see a massive quantity of dandruff coating our vehicles and houses. Obviously it freaks me out. I’m angry at this person for vocalizing their dandruff-related observation. Oh god and now I’ve been that person for you. Now you won’t be able to view snow without thinking of dandruff either. What a terrible, vicious cycle this is. (The dandruff comparison is especially disturbing when you see someone doing that cliche “stick your tongue out and catch a few snowflakes on it” thing. Please click this to get a full understanding. Mmmm, dandruff.)

Pro: I feel a (most likely false) sense of security when there’s a bunch of snow lining the sides of the road. If I veer off, I won’t hit a tree. I’m guessing the marshmallow snowbank would still do some damage (I’ve never had the distinct pleasure of hitting one before) but I don’t think it would split a car in half like one of those malicious tree trunks.

Side note- I first typed “marshmellow” and was reminded that is not right. No wonder I lost the middle school spelling bee.

Side note again- The snow walls bordering the road remind me of the bumpers at the bowling alley. The bumpers you’re supposed to stop asking for once you reach a certain age, but you still secretly think about suggesting every time? The bumpers you silently hope someone else will bring up? Now I’m just reminiscing on my middle school bowling alley memories. Playing air hockey with my crush, devouring delicious chicken fingers with my friend, kissing behind the pinball machine. (Not kissing the air hockey crush unfortunately. He was always playing hard to get… or maybe he was out of my league. I had shamefully lost the spelling bee that year.)

Con: Fishtailing while driving up a large hill and there’s a truck on your ass and another car coming over the hill in the opposite lane.

Pro: Snowballs. They’re fun. Don’t act like you’re not amused.

Con: People are driving around without cleaning the snow from the top of their vehicles like they are invincible and there are no consequences for their actions. It’s very dangerous, but it’s also just ridiculous. Your red Honda Civic looks like it’s wearing a silly white hat.

Pro: Snow is a ready-made excuse for not going anywhere.

“I’m so sorry I can’t make it to your birthday party, Katie. It’s just with all of the snow out there… Oh, it’s a virtual party? You know what it still just doesn’t feel safe.”

You can even use the excuse with minimal amounts of snow.

“I don’t care if there’s only a half-inch out there, Katie, I can’t make it to your book club. Oh… it’s virtual again? Right. Okay. Well. Uhm. Unfortunately, I… lost my book… in the snow?”

Okay obviously this excuse works better when you’re not living through a pandemic, but you could make it work. Get creative, people.

Con: Pulling out into the road blindly because there are giant snow piles blocking your vision. Million dollar idea- snow vision goggles. Sharks, do you want to invest? I’m asking for $300k for 20% of the company. I’ve done zero research but I’m feeling motivated and have some charm. Is that not enough?

Pro: Watching the snow slowly fall while I’m inside enjoying the fire. Soo0oo0oo0o hygge! (Look it up.)

Con: Coming home after a marathon work day and getting the car stuck in your own driveway and your boyfriend is trying to save the day in creative ways like putting wood under the tires(?) to help the car move but day is turning into night and you’re tired and all of a sudden very mad at your boyfriend, even though he didn’t really do anything wrong per se, but because you’re just cold and because you knew, despite his optimism, that you shouldn’t have even attempted to pull into the driveway without shoveling more (is this one just me?) Anyway you hide your anger because you feel it’s ultimately misplaced but unfortunately he ends up somehow sensing it and now you just feel like you suck. (Sorry, Justin.)

Side note- I think I’m just going to start apologizing to Justin via this blog so I don’t have to ever actually say sorry. If it ever comes up that he’s upset because I never apologize, I’ll act all innocent and say, “You didn’t see all of my sorries?” I’ll have the receipts. And then I’ll flip the whole thing on him. I’ll be all “Oh, so does this mean you haven’t read any of my blog?!” Oh it’s genius. This is a good choice, right? This is rational? This is what everyone does, yes? This is a solid, healthy line of thinking I’m sure.

Pro: A massive snowstorm serves as a helpful reminder that you can’t fight mother nature. She’s in control. Sometimes when we are successfully managing various aspects of our lives and (thankfully) nothing awful has happened, we start to believe the dangerous and alluring lie that we have control over everything. We just don’t. Large snowstorms (and say, global pandemics for a totally random example) show us we have zero control. So what other choice do you have but to live with it, learn and adapt?

Con: The snow gets dirty and it’s aesthetically awful. There is nothing less attractive to me than a Wal-Mart parking lot filled with filthy snow piles. Well, that and a poorly executed circle beard. Or a guy in finance who only talks about business/economics stuff and uses terms like “stock options” OR double whammy- a finance guy with a poorly executed circle beard talking about “stock options.” Total turn off.

A quick note about circle beards before I go-

Please observe that I said poorly executed circle beard. Did I say I was against all circle beards? No. For example, see this picture of Leonardo DiCaprio. Think Denzel. Now think Denzel years later (still killing it). And before you say, “Sarah, these are famous celebrities. Of course they look good with circle beards,” just look up circle beards in general, okay? There are stock photos with circle beards that are completely fine by my standards. THIS is a picture of the poor execution I am talking about. I’m not into that lack of craftsmanship.