Our cat won’t stop meowing. It’s so constant that sometimes I fear I have forgotten something essential to this animal’s survival. The other day Justin got so frustrated with the incessant noise he shouted “Can’t you go entertain yourself?! Why don’t you go lick your balls or something?” (This is how parents do it too, right?) I didn’t want to burst Justin’s bubble by telling him that Nugget doesn’t actually have balls anymore, but I think he basically meant go fuck yourself.

Nugget can be needy. He usually just wants to be pet, or at the very least get some attention. He doesn’t have any siblings to play with and gets bored easily, so he paces around the house yelling “LOOK AT ME” all of the time. And yes, I did also just describe myself. 🤦 We’re not so different after all. Guess whether the following traits describe me or my cat.

Eats off the floor (My cat.)

Can move and turn ears independently (My cat again. I’m not a superhuman.)

Has long nails because no one ever feels like trimming them (It’s a trick… both of us.)

Showers every day (It’s me. My cat bathes.)

Likes belly rubs (My cat. Do not touch my stomach, let alone stroke it.)

Consumes more meat than fish or vegetables (It’s probably both of us, but I’m working on it. Nugget, on the other hand, doesn’t give a shit.)

If I could quit my job and spend my days catering to Nugget’s every need, I’d do it. It’s not for lack of love here; it’s a lack of energy and time. Nugget’s favorite game is fetch, except he doesn’t bring the thrown item back once he chases it down, meaning I have to walk over to where I have launched the toy in order to retrieve it and then throw it again. So yes, you’re getting it, I’m the one fetching here. Nugget’s favorite game is actually watching me play fetch.

Maybe if I didn’t have to work so much I’d have more energy to fetch, and more motivation to trim his nails (and mine). Maybe I’d have the desire to cook more vegetable-based dishes and not eat McDonald’s hamburgers. But here I am, sitting on my couch, eating a medium number 9 with long fingernails, listening to the unabating soundtrack of our home…

Meow. 🐱