I’m not good at sleeping with people. Not in that way. Well, probably in that way too. I haven’t had many reviews. What I mean is that I’m an awful person to share a bed with. Here are the top 10 reasons why you don’t want to sleep with me.

1. I occupy 70-75% of the bed. Justin would say it’s closer to 90% and he is probably right. I’m admittedly trying to save some face here. I am most comfortable in the middle of the bed and I see little I can do to change my ways at this point. There is now a shallow ravine in the middle because of my nightly positioning, and I can’t seem to climb up said ravine in order to give him more space.

2. I sleep in the shape of a less-than sign. I am taking up roughly as much width as I am length. In order for Justin to have equal room, he would have to morph into a very odd, very non-human shape. Kind of like Flubber from the 1990s movie Flubber starring Robin Williams (RIP). Or like The Blob from the 1950s movie The Blob, starring… I don’t know. I wasn’t alive yet.

3. I rub my feet together while I am trying to fall asleep. I don’t know why. Maybe for warmth? It’s basically like I’m trying to start a fire down there. (Don’t suggest I put socks on. I am typically already wearing socks.)

4. I run very hot. I’ve been compared to a radiator. If you don’t usually sweat in your sleep, you probably will if you are sleeping next to me. And if you try to inch over and escape the heat, be warned that I will follow you. I am a bit of a blob myself, expanding to the entire space I am given with extreme ease.

5. I often feel the need to burrow my feet under something. I guess also for warmth? The “something” usually ends up being Justin’s legs. A pillow just doesn’t have the same weight. Don’t forget that I’m also rubbing my feet together. So the rubbing and burrowing motions are happening simultaneously and I’ve been informed it’s not exactly comfortable for the person on the receiving end.

6. Once I’m asleep, I snore very loudly. Justin has heard my parents snore and says I sound just like them. We are a family of chainsaws. There is probably a sleep apnea machine in my (very near) future.

7. I wake up in the middle of the night screaming and/or crying on occasion. I have some pretty intense dreams. I’d like to think this has decreased in frequency over the years, but sometimes I just wake up gasping for air and yelling for help, okay?

8. I fart in my sleep. I’m not too proud to admit it. I seem to only pass gas while I’m sleeping. I think I store up all of my farts for the night. It doesn’t happen that many times during the day and then I make up for lost time when I’m asleep.

9. I sleep like a fucking rock. No, a boulder. A large boulder. Trying to move me or wake me up in order to tell me something (like you need more space or that I’m snoring like a lawn mower) is a no-go. If the house burns I might burn with it.

10. Because I sleep like I am dead, I have an intricate alarm system. I have alarms on my phone, which require me to take a certain picture before they stop ringing. I have a backup alarm, which is one of those old-timey ones that has the bells on top (very loud). I am also a fan of the snooze button (hence the old-timey backup alarm). So before I leave the house in the morning, I’ve probably woken Justin up a total of 8 to 10 times when all is said and done.

A special shout out to Justin for still sleeping with me. Your patience is treasured. 😗😴